The happier the thoughts... February 2008

What's new? Not much. Having a wonderful time, despite my poor poor bohemian existence. It's funny living in a place that is thrilling, even with only a few euros a day. I haven't felt this overwhelming happiness in so long, I am amazed at the fact that I can't make it through a day without smiling and God knows, I don't remember the last time I shed a tear over anything.

The past few days have been full. Working shitloads. Babysitting, teaching English and working at my new restaurant, Place Verte. It's going amazingly well. The people are all super lovely and I feel thankful to have so many good friends already in this city.

Still spending a lot of time with Michael, my french boyfriend, I guess at this point, I must concede and call him that. I really love spending time with him and my heart feels warmer than it has felt in ages. He asked me to meet him at a movie last night and I didn't get his message until after it had started. The thought of him waiting at the cinema and me not showing up broke my heart, so I got my tired self together again, put on my new 3 euro dress and headed down to the 6th to wait outside the movie theatre hoping he'd come out when the doors open. I was delighted when he did and was met with a smile and a kiss and we walked along the Seine together, holding hands, passing by accordions and guitars and enjoying a beautiful winter's night. It's so warm here right now you don't even need a jacket and when you're 'chaud' like me, you probably wouldn't need one anyway.

We stopped by the Seine and perched ourselves on a ledge to smoke a joint and a few swigs of Russian vodka while we talked about what we were doing for the week and the month and the summer. It was lovely. I am smitten, more than I have been in a very long time. I worry I could fall in love with this wonderful French boy. Worried because of the inevitable wall that meets us at the end of my six months here. Worried because I know I'm not strong enough for long-distance and more worried because I'm sure he wouldn't be into it either. These international relationships are oh so hard in an oh so wonderful way. Elsa, the world's biggest believer in love keeps telling me over and over not to worry and just to enjoy myself and God Dammit, she's right. MERDE! I love that girl. I'll love her even more when she's my bride. And yes, did I mention that's still the plan. A wedding at Petit Dejeuner a while from the date! She'll be Canadian. I'll be French and we'll all be one big happy family. Can't wait to tell the story to our children.

The apartment situation is a bit infuriating. We have no idea what we're going to do and are conceding to the fact that we've dropped our standards like nobody's business. We'll live anywhere. In a box in the corner. Space is not an issue. At this point, we'll take what we can get. We'll take any ol' place as long as there is a roof over our heads. Keep your fingers crossed for us!

I have been babysitting a lot lately and must say, it is the best job I have ever had in my life. I'm making more nanny-ing than I am in a restaurant. 10 euros/hr plus to watch movies, eat well, hang out with lovely kids. One baby in particular, Matilda is amazing me each day. She laughs so much and I love changing her diapers and carrying her around. She has just learned to hug and kiss and wants to kiss me all the time and for the first time in a long time, my maternal instincts feel fulfilled. I am no longer longing to be pregnant and wondering if this is the calling I was missing. I think I will get my second visa in France as a permanent AuPair, which necessitates that I have to register in a course here in Paris. There are worse things, I suppose.

Am really thinking about settling down here permanently. I am happy. Happy in the streets, in the cafes, in so many quartiers. I love my new friends. I love waking up beside someone who makes me laugh. I love my roomates. Chasen and Ryley and I are having a wonderful time. If we can just start working on a creative project together, we'd be doing even better. I want to start up a literary magazine over here. I just wish I wasn't working quite so much. Actually, that's not true. It's giving me tons of inspiration and the other night, sitting in this lovely apartment in the 17th, it occurred to me just how lucky I am to have this opportunity and gave me the drive and the will to seize my wonderful present. It is a true gift and I am thankful for every minute of my life no matter how hard.

Have you noticed that sometimes magic just happens. Somehow things just fall into place? The other day, it seemed I was on another lucky streak. Everything I needed just happened without me having to do a damn thing. I felt like God was on my side. Or at least that I wasn't the mess I used to be. Somehow my life here is coming together one day at a time and once we've got the new apartment, I just know it's going to get even better.

Keep sending me your happy thoughts. I don't think a damn thing could get me down at the moment, but the happier the thoughts, the happier the days.

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