Je bosse! Je bosse! Enfin je bosse! January 2008

This won't be long because I am just at my favourite cafe having a beer with my best friend Romain. Today I am feeling on top of the world. Still broke but loving life. I have met some amazing people here that I will miss terribly even in though I will only be back in Canada (well, and the Bahamas) for two weeks next week.

I have started WORKING efin, which is weird but also nice to have something to do during the day apart from staring at the fucking Eiffel Tower and feeling sorry for myself or overthinking every fucking detail of my life, which is all you do when you're unemployed, I am discovering, hence the reason it is the number one cause of depression, I think.

Chasen has arrived and with him comes music, my iPod is working and my computer is up and running again. Maybe I'll finally get some shit done. I have written a lot...BY HAND which is a giagantic pain in the 'arriere' and frankly, we all know I can type a hell of a lot faster than I can handwrite, so things are looking up! :) It is great to have Chasen here, though I am sad to say it makes me think of Teo once again. I don't know WHY I can't get that time out of my head. Just when you think you're over something, suddenly it comes back to bite you in the ass. I suppose I really was in love and oddly enough, despite his ignoring me, I wish him well and I hope he is happy wherever he is. I don't even have the guts to ask, nor do I want my relationship with Chasen to have anything to do with his brother. Not one bit. He's a true friend. Last night he cooked me dinner and we talked about life and our pasts over 2 WHOLE bottles of wine before venturing out into our hood at midnight to have a demi. The most expensive beer in the world 5,20 euros for a fucking 1664 Blanc that tasted like Peach Cider I was unimpressed and certainly, OVER THE EDGE! This morning I woke up with no clothes on, which is a first for me because I never sleep naked and on top of that, I was freezing my ass off because somehow the window popped open in last night's little storm and I only have one little chenille blanket to cover me up. Ca va, ca va. Ca roule, as they say here...I'm pretty sure this may be the only french saying I haven't fucked up by saying something sexual in its place. Man, life is hard, huh?

Hmmm...what else is new? I am babysitting tomorrow for yet another family in the 16th. If any of you Canadians are looking for work out there, I have had a solid 50 offers for nou-nou-ing. I am happy to start next week with my new family. Sarah-Caroline is seven, she is a little difficult but sweet and smart like no kid I have ever known. SO stubborn but had a bit of a breakthrough with her yesterday that reminded me of what I was like at her age. I was a brat. I gave the sitters a hard time too. I hated practicing for 'dictees' and I wasn't I wanted all the attention to be focused on me. She didn't want to re-read her assignment so I suggested she read to me aloud and I would try and spell all the words and afterwards she would correct my mistakes with a red pen and play 'maitresse'. This worked like magic. Of course, my spelling and grammar are horrible and she loved being the one to correct me. It was good for the both of us. I am getting some French practice and she gets to feel like the teacher and yet I know it's sticking. I am ready to be a mother, I think. Not financially by any means but I know I can do it. J'ai confiance en moi.

Lou Lou Anais is three. She is the cutest thing in the world. Looking at her makes me cry, well, almost. At one point during the day there was soft music playing on the radio and she just walked over to me and kissed me on the cheek and gave me the greatest hug I've ever had in my life. I have a feeling we're going to be good friends. Now, I just need a visa and a bank account and I'm all set. The visa's going to be hard to get. Gonna need one of you peeps, one of my closest friends to wire me some money for the day while they make their decision as to whether or not I am worthy to work in France because I'm a busted.

Talked to Elsa on the phone yesterday. Can't wait for her to get here. I miss the hell out of that girl. It makes me happy knowing she will be here when I get back and confidant that we do in fact meet certain people for certain reasons and even if you don't think a relationship will last forever, it still amazes me how some people just pop back up again and again. Friendship means something. Facebook means something. Fucking Christ, it all means something!

Working a private partying in a restaurant for Remy, a friend of Romain's this weekend. In case I haven't told you yet about Romain he is the coolest guy in the world. I feel so lucky to have met this guy , you can't even imagine. He may be the only man in France who has not tried to get in my pants...well, that's not entirely true. He did ask me for Christmas sex but it was just a joke. We spent the holidays together and we can talk about anything in the world. He reminds me of Jay, of Chasen or Johan and Tim of the guys who have meant the most to me in my life. The ones who treat me like their kid sis and listen to me when I speak. I don't know if I hate men or what these days, I am worried I am becoming a little jaded by it all but trying not to be a cynic.

The other day I found myself telling people that I no longer believe in love and I know sometimes I can talk some shit but I think I was telling the truth. I don't know what I believe. I believe in all sorts of love, in friendship in loving a place, family, peace on earth, the whole bit, but really for me, it is hard to imagine giving Romantic Love a THIRD chance. I feel like I've put myself up on that plate already twice only to get balls in my face (ew, gross...I don't mean it that way AT ALL) What I mean plutot, is that I don't know if I have the courage to try again...I'm sure this will change and time will heal the wounds and all that, but I'm just tired of believing and finding out that I'm the naive loser who understands nothing and who is worth little more to these guys than a casual affair and the passing of time. I know that egotistical to say, or maybe not at all, maybe it's giving men too little credit where credit is due but I long to be loved so much that it's become a problem in my life and I need to stop wanting it. I need to stop expecting it to happen. I need to just go with the flow. So, I'm jumping into the Seine and letting it take me as far as I can get. I think I am done with casual sex though, for sure! :)

I can't believe I will be back in Canada in a matter of days now. It's strange, how quickly the time passes. So much as happened and yet not much at all. It is NOTHING like I thought it would be and I have of course been naive in my lack of anticipation for the grave problems I have faced here in the City of Lights. The good news, the lights are bright too, and I'm happy and I'm writing again and I have a fucking cordon d'alimentation and better yet, I know how to say 'cordon d'alimentation' and this computer is illuminated and I have the desire and the time to get some shit done. Pray for me that I don't fuck it up. Better yet, don't pray...just wish me well. I think God's got it out for me already! :)

Miss you all and hope you're all finding incredible happiness in your respective Chez Nous all over the world.

Lots and lots of LOVE and BISOUS!

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